Someone by my side.... * Memories *

He brought back memories of the times we've spent together...
I've been havin sleepless nights...
Cuz my other half is not here.
It reminded me of him...
When we're "together".
The moment I'm next to him,
I can sleep rite away.
Cuz I feel secured and taken care of...
Just as long as he's next to me..
Dat's all dat matters.


But now I'm havin restless nights again.
Out of no where...
Does dat mean dat I feel unsecured cuz he's not wif me?
Lately,
I no longer feel dat he means the things he says.
It felt like they're just empty words.
Words I wanna hear,
Not words he wanna say.
I dunno....
Shud I trust my sixth sense?
Or just go wif the flow?
Am I wrong for doubting?
"Scars" by Allison Iraheta says all I'm feeling now...



As for the mysterious "him".
I'm glad we've once crossed paths.
Tho we're not meant to be,
But u're really one of the decent guys I fell for.
U were almost everythin I wanted in a guy.
Almost...
But not close.
I just cant deal wif guys who lies to me straight at the face.
But I'm glad to haf u once a upon a time.

Question without answer

I cant remember the last time I cried so much.
I've cried a lot these days..
Knowin dat u're not here.
And ur heart has changed.
Knowin dat u're not gonna make it any better,
Knowin dat u're not gonna do ur best...
To make our relationship work.
Knowin it's not gonna get back to where it was.
U've changed.
You told me dat u loved me.
But all I could hear was an empty heart.
A heart dat no longer beats for me.
I told u I needed u here wif me.
But again and again u ignored me.
Did our relationship really came to a point..
A point of no return?
U know the answer better than I do.
U've caged me out of ur life so much.
I dun even know how to differentiate
Wad's real and wad's not anymore.
It felt like u din need me anymore...
Dat's why u couldnt find the reasons to love me still.
How much effort do u put in,
When u told me dat u loved me?
One hundred percent?
Or the lukewarm fifty percent?
U hurted me..
More than I can find the words to explain.
Do u still love me?
Do u still want me?
It's just a simple question...
But no answer to it.

Tears

U made me cry till my eyes bulged.
Cried until I had no voice to talk...
Nor I haf the voice to scream.
I've no idea why u kept testing our relationship dis way.
Was it for ur own entertainment?
Wad do u expect for the outcome?
We're not in a movie...
All the things we do are decided...
No turning back.
There's no way we can do re-takes of a scene.
Why u cant understand dat?
Everthing u do affects me.
I honestly cant keep doing things like dat.
U gimme doubt,
Insecurities in our relationship.
Did u want it to end one way or another...
U dun care at all?!
U hurted me too much.
Why?!
Do I really deserved all dis?
I kept askin myself why.
I wished u'd gimme a definite answer.
We're no longer in our teens.
There's no time to play,
Make mistakes dat'll cost us time dat cant return.
I kept reminding u dat I need u here...
I cried,
I shouted,
I adviced...
I even treated u cold...
But none of it work.
Tell me how can I get thru ur brain to see dat u're hurtin me?!
I really haf done all I can.
But u kept takin it for granted.
I dun owe u anythin...
I only did it cuz I love u.
Is dat so hard to understand?!!!

Cold war?!

I really dunno why suddenly things has fallen out of hand. Everyday things has been changing. Even the way we talk to each other is different now. Why? Issit because he's away all the time? Is it because dat we're already bored of each other? Issit because we fell outta love? Because he no longer treats me the way he used to? I dun haf an accurate answer... I kept myself busy not to think bout dis, cuz it hurts tho on the surface I look okay. I'm tired of bein the "mommy" in dis relationship. For once I want him to take the veins and be the "daddy" too. But.... Dun he even want me anymore? Cuz I really feel dat way.
Why so often love is taken for granted? And how many succeeded in achieving? I wanna one of them But it's not easy is it? Wad simplicity always seems complicated? Someone's the crook... Are we having a communication break down? I cant seem to find the right words to describe how I feel. I'm gettin awfully tired of dis love, relationship shyt. All I wanted was him to be here, to keep his promises. " Promises are meant to be broken " someone told me. But wad's the point of making promises u dun mean to keep? I told him before, even if he has the money to marry me... But the attitude remains, I wont even say yes. How can I say yes to a Hubby who's always away and not here? Say yes to a person who cant balance his life? I know dat money is important.. So is family! He's a guy who dun miss home... The more I talk bout dis... The more broken I'm gonna be..
So if dat's the way he wants... He can haf it cold.

今天。。

今天你和我说的话。。
我真的不知道该怎么讲好。
你说，可能在那边了。。
北海很大的可能会关了。
那就说你可能也不会回来槟城做了。
我们到底要这样下去到什么时候呢？
我开始优异了，
开始怀疑我们的感情。

我不想拥有一个整天不在家的老公。
整天都不在我的身边的。
我要求得很简单。
只要你在我的身边，
我一进很快乐了。
再努力工作，
辛苦一点也不要紧。
怎么简单的要求很过分吗？
我真的不了解，
你一点都不会辛苦吗？
一点想念也没有吗？
一个在东，
一个在西。。
这样的感情，
怎么做夫妻呢？
每次想起这个问题，
让我很心痛。
很头痛。
你一点心疼都没吗？

Is it endin or is it just the beginning?

U broke my heart and again..
Leavin me numb on the floor.
One minute or hot,
The next ur cold.
Why can dis be?
How can dis ever work?
I gave u my heart,
But u tore it into shreds.
Will u care if I just went away?
Questions questions.
I already said everythin I wanna say...
I wont say it for the sake of u wantin to hear it,
Why has ur heart turned cold?
I could feel dat I felt happier each time I ignore u..
Treat u cold, cruel...
Dat's all u wanted wasn't it?
I gave u the best...
But u couldn't appreciate it..
It changed when I treated u like dirt.
Why does it always hafto be like dat.
U wont treat me right till ur place is threaten?!
How many times we hafto go thru dis till u wake up?

The 50 grand dream seems so far away.
It almost feels like u no longer fit in dat particular dream.
Is there any turning back?
U know better than I do.
U asked if I'm angry at u?
Yes I am...
More than just angry..
I'm pissed, disappointed..
Cuz u've no intentions on keepin the promise u've made me.
That hurts...
More than u can tell.
I dun really understand wad's up wif all ur lame excuses...
Ur selfish...
U're bein the neantheral man.
And I totally hates it!
Cant for once u do somethin to make sure I'm okay?
U're taking all dis for granted.
U repeat the same shyt all over again.
When I finally wanna shut u out of my life,
Then u finally make a move.
All dis shyt is beginning to get very restless for me.
People improve everyday,
But u seem to be stuck in the same spot for God knows how many dino years?!
U better pull ur act together!
IT'S NOW OR NEVER!
Once rice becomes porridge,
U can precisely do nothin but eat it.

Dream and Reality

Today Shaun made me realize dat I miss Jacob..
Alot.
Yea I do miss him tho it's been 2 years...
I really do wonder how is he doin.
All dat I'm left is the Pink Vegas cap.
Memories memories...
He's my dream guy.
Even thou he's not good looking..
But he's the closest to wad I want.
He gives me the security I needed.
He cares without talkin.
I keep goin back to the time we're at Jamal wif the guys...
He's doodling wif my hair..
Lookin me in the eye.
Precious moments..
Short lived moments...
I cant help wondering wad if we worked out?
Wad if he din need to go back to Wichita?
Questions without answers.
I'll always remember the last message
"I'm sorry baby, but I still love u".
And dat kept me goin on till today...
Where are u Jacob Lim?


In reality,
I'm dating someone I fancied 10 years ago..
Dream come true?
Not exactly..
It's more like a dream fulfilled.
Thou he may not be who he was 10 years back..
He's not perfect.
Tho he cant be who I want him to be..
Tho he cant treat me the way I want to be treated.
I still love him.
These few weeks was the hardest I need to get thru.
He's always not around when I need him.
Everythin is eventually takin a toll on me.
As much as I hate to admit it,
I feel lost without him bein here.
I needed him by my side.
Did he hear my cries?
Does he knows how much I wanna bring all of this to an end?
Why is it so hard to understand dat I need him here?
For once,
Can he do things for me?



I really dunno..
My brain cant compose all this shyt now.
I cant think properly.
I'm losing judgment..
I cant make any sane judgment..
At least for now.
For the time bein.
Thank god I haf frens dat will make sure they talk some sense into my head.
Hahaha~ I'm not gonna kill myself.
I just need some time out.
Away from here.
Till dat,
I'm tryin to hang on wif all my might.

John Tan~ I love u wif all my heart. I just need u here wif me. I know I haf been such a burden.. But please keep it in mind dat I dun wanna be so vain. This is totally out of my control. I cant help it. I dun mean to make u worry, I need u...Would u be here wif me? Please....


Jacob Lim~ I dunno wad's the possibility of seein u again. But u've been alot on my mind lately. I just hope dat u're doin great. Leading the life dat u want. U're my dream guy, a dream dat I dun wanna let go. I'll see u in my dreams.

Janeale, TYL, Xiao Di, Shaun and everyone else~ Thanks for bein there for me. I needed more assurance and sanity more than u know. I find it hard to express my feelings. Thanks for keepin me sane and safe all the time. I'm thankful and grateful to haf frens like u guys. At the moment, please stay close wif me. Bear wif all my complaints and rants. I cant help it... Dat's the way I express my feelings..


All the love and hugs heaven could ever hold..
XoXo

I'm tryin the best I can

Hence the title..
Lately lotsa of things has happened.
My family...
Work..
Even my Bf is all in a mess!!!!

Everyday I need to keep remindin myself dat someone out there loves me..
Needs me..
Tryin so hard to be sane.
Tryin so hard to be on my best behavior.
And every minute it gets harder...
Tears rolled down my cheek but no one will be here to see it.
I've been thru a rather challenging life..
I kept reminding myself dat I've got thru dis far.
I can make it to the end of the racing line.
I feel so lost.
There's no one to walk wif me..
Would u hold my hand and guide me thru?


At times I really feel like endin dis once and for all.
The pain's too much to take.
I'm sick of people telling me dat they're my parents,
I shouldn't treat them dat way.
I'm sick of people saying how fortunate I am.
Does anyone know how it feels to be me?
I guess they don't.
SO STOP ASSUMING DAT I'M JUST A ROTTEN EGG.
I've been the ugly duckling all my life.
I've paid my dues..
Wad is dat so hard to understand?
MY PARENTS DUN LOVE ME.
THEY'VE NEVER WANTED ME.
Stop judging...

All I ever wanted was to be wif someone I love.
Someone who'd love me back.
But lately it seems dat we're drifting apart so quickly.
Is it the distance?
Or he's tired of havin a gf like me?
I know in alot of ways I'm a failure..
But I already did my best...
I dun think there's anythin else I din do.
I've done everythin at my very best.
But...
I seems like I never done enuf..
Do I still need to prove how much I love u?
Haven't I proven enuf?
I really dunno wadelse I could do to prove myself.
Is it my prob?
Or is it urs??
I really dun haf the answer..
I hope u can at least gimme a sincere answer.
Are we together cuz we love each other?
Or is it just a habit?
Just because I'm the kinda gf u wanted?
Can u at least put me in ur shoes before u make a decision?
Love me or leave me.
Dun leave me at the crossroads..
I dunno where to go..
Or shud I just say I haf no where to go.


I wished I could just pack my bags and leave.
Is there any reasons I shud stay?
My parents dun need me..
Someone else can do a better job than I can.
My bf is surviving fine without me.
By the end of the day...
I'm no one and I haf no one.
I'm just someone who's born to satisfy someone else's life............

Lonely....

I'm startin to feel I dun fit in dis firm. It's makin me lonelier each day.. All I haf to accompany me is my usual antidote. Hmmm~ I'm not sure how do u put dis... Are they arrogant? Or just pure unfriendly? Most of them looked at me as if I'm not fit for dis picture..
I dun mean to be rude... BUT WHO THE FUCK DO U THINK U ARE?!

Honestly, if it wasn't for Richard... I won't keep my mouth shut. If it wasn't for him.. I would just asked them straight point blank. Who do u think u are to fuckin judge? Who cares wad school am I from? Or wad kinda papers I haf? I dun care and my boss dun too! Who do these meanies think they are? Does the world evolve around them? I've never met such uneducated stuck ups! MCB!!! I really wanna tear their smile off... Shud I just stay and watch? Accumulate all and just nuke? I'm just tired of bein in such a place. It dun mean dat if u're good in somethin u haf the bragging rights to judge someone. Is dis how educated ppl behave? I call u "ORANG KAMPUNG" If dis is the way ppl in firms act and behave... I'm sorry.. I dun wanna be a part of u meanies.
U guys go choose another victim to victimise.. Pick me and u'r pickin on the wrong person. I'm here for a certain reason. And u'd be suprised at wad I can do to u...

Ma Ma

At the wake of dawn...
U realized dat she's no longer here.
She's gone.
Leavin behind memories..
I may not be part of the family yet..
But it's a mutual understandin it hurts to lose someone u love.
Having to see Gong Gong goin thru dis at dis kinda age,
Hurts even more.
还有谁能够比公公伤心呢？婆婆已经陪了他那么多年了。
但现在婆婆已经离开了，
剩下公公。
接下来的日子要怎么过？
公公没有了他的另一半。
还有谁比他伤心的？
Bein able to experience it at first hand is overwhelming.
The sweetness and the bitterness is there at the same time.
Love...
Because he loves her,
So he's happy she's gone.
No more pain..
I din understand why Nana could haf made it.
But now I do..
Not everyone could haf gone thru it.
Not everyone can understand dat kinda bonding.
It hurts to lose her.
But I'm happy dat she's no longer in pain.
All I could ever think of is
" Ma Ma.. Please go find Nana for me. Tell her I missed her heaps.. Give her a hug for me."
Dat's all in my mind.

Who are we to say they wont get along?
Both of them might just be discussing bout us...
Showing of their gran kids.


I'll hold in mind dat I'll see u again one day.
Dat'll be the family gathering we've long waited for..




I love u~








In loving memories of
Ma Ma Tan & Nana Saw

Life cycle..

To see Ma ma leave is just like Nana..
Memories of the past invaded into my mind.
Bringin the saddest day I had to go thru.
Losing my granny.
Nana's death was too soon.
Too fast.
I din even had the chance to say goodbye..
And now I'm losing another one..
It's just a cycle we haf to go thru.
Every of them hurts like hell..
No tears will be saved..
No heartbreaks to be mended.
They're gone...
The next minute u realize dat u're sittin at the funeral parlour..
Lookin at their dead bodies..
They no longer talk..
Or smile at u.
No more hugs..


I miss Nana to the max.
She's always there in the living room when I'm out of my bedroom..
Combing her hair,
Readin books..
I remembered the last phrase she said to me dat afternoon.
"Lyn, finish dis for me."
I just told her to finish it up and I'm goin out now.
It hurts to reminise dat day..
Cuz I felt like I forsee wadever dat she was tryin to tell me.
I felt like I've disappoint her..
I wished I could do it all over again.
I wished I could erased the mistakes..
But u cant.
We dun haf a magical eraser..
Nor do we haf a time machine.
If I could only see her for one more minute.
The comfortin hugs dat never failed to make me feel better.
The white hair,
Her smile..
She lived to a ripe old age..
But I'm still not willing to let go..
I love her too much.
Every wake of dawn,
I still look at her pictures to remind me dat she's there for me...
Is dis the life she wanted me to live?
Is dis the way she wanted me to be?
Will I ever meet her again??




I love u.....