Lessons in life

I could only be myself and not someone else. Or cuz there were times I wished I was someone else...  But dat ain't possible. There'll come a turnin point. One day.. My time will come. =)

There are things I wished I could do it all over again. Livin in dat same moments. Moments dat mattered alot to me. But we grow up, and out grew those feelings. When it comes by the end of the day to say good nite.. U're still u.

I may not be proud of who am I am. But there are things and life experiences dat mold me to become me today. I may not enjoy it, but when I look back.. I giggle over the stupid things I've gone thru. It wasn't all dat bad now. U learn from mistakes and experiences dat make u stronger. U'll never be put thru somethin dat will kill u in the end. When God closes a door, He'll open a window. Who are u to argue wif Him wad makes u stronger? Thru experiences.. I've learned dat valuable lesson. 

Be kind to urself and give urself credits for the things u go thru. U may not be someone famous or some wad make a world changin stuff. But ur existence matter to someone out there. Just by breathin, u bring life and support to dat someone. Believe.. All u need is to believe. Everyone exists for a reason.  Simple words of encouragement may go a long way. U'll never know. Encourage, not discourage a person. Compliments may not come easy.. But it won't kill u either. 

I found Nana's note.

*~Recipe for Happiness~*

Ingredients

A cup of love

A cup of loyalty

2 cups of forgiveness

3 tablespoons of friendship

4 cups of understanding

3 cups of kindness

A barrel of laughter

A few drops of sunshine

Method

Mix love with loyalty

Blend forgiveness and friendship

Add understanding and kindness

Sprinkle with laughter

Bake with sunshine

Serve daily with generous helping.

Does it makes sense to u?

Cuz it does for me. =)

Think bout it... 

Diary entries.. *Memories of 04-06*

As I read back my diaries.. There are only few names dat appealed to me. 

Ultraman

Lim 

Gun

Why these people?
And also my loved ones..

Seng 哥哥

小弟

People who has been there for years. Some fade away and left foot prints.
And some stayed for the longest coaster rides ever. =)
For dat... I'll always be blessed.

Ultraman~

Do u remember how we met? I'll always remember the time u came to rescue me. I remember sittin by the window watchin out for u to appear. I remember wad u said to me in the car "Where can let people simply look at u wan?" as u wind up the side of my window. Even tho we dun see each other so often while we dated.. But vast memories of us together has printed in my heart. I'll always remember "Let's jump down from the 17th floor. Dat way we'll forever be together." It sounds crazy until to dis day. But I know dat u'll be the one and only dat will say dat to me. 
Until to dis day, there's 2 messages from u dat I loved the most.

" Hihi, wat r u doing now? Just now c u but now still miss u... how leh? In dream i won't trust anymore, cuz it's won't work & will make me more sad & cry! Just can't stop thinking of u! Anyway i also very tired lo, so now i going 2 be tu tu liao... SAD SAD SAD :( "

Remembered I called u from the pay phone when I received dis message? "So late de u summore come out call me.." u said. * I remember, do u? *

" *DO YOU KNOW*   When u re not around i feel lonely, when u call me i feel u just beside me, when i c u, i feel very happy & i hope 1DAY SAY FOREVER... "

But I waited and waited. Yet u never gave me the assurance dat we could be together forever. I remember writin dis in a very broken heart state..

" For better or worse.. I'll be there.

   For the one I love is you..

   But for how long do you wanna hurt me?

   It's time to get things straight.

   It's either me or her.

   Cuz I can't stand sharing you anymore.

   It's getting unfair every single minute...

   I stayed patient..

   Cuz I love you and believed you.

   I want us to last..

   Things should start changing now. "

But we were together for 1 and a half years. Thru trials and trials.. But I chose to give up in the end. Cuz I know by the end of the day, I'm just the other girl in your life. So many years down the road, u still made me question myself "Was it the right choice to break up wif u?" But everythin is already said and done. No more turnin back.

*Foolish - Ashanti*

Lim.. 
Listed as one of Got Away..
My fling's side kick.
I remembered how adorable he sounded over the phone.
How he always kept me accompanied whenever Gun's busy wif somethin else.. And someone else.
How he'd always teasin me, gettin on my nerves.
Just as if he's sayin 
"Take another look at me."

I wrote dis for Lim back in 2005

Faded memories of the past

Begins to flood back into my mind...

The times I've spent in Prai

One of the most valuable memories.

Days of being wild and care free.

Days of being naive...

I was so blessed with so many friends.

Being everyone's favorite girl

Really missed those times..

Cuz I know that is in the past now.

And it'll never return ever again..

Everytime I start to think of Prai..

The first ones that always comes to mind,

Would definitely be Lim and Gun.

Both of them has left major foot prints in my heart.

I can never seem to forget them

Here I am after 3 years.

Still reminiscing the times

I've spent with them..

Still missing them..

If I could only go back to the days when I was with them..

I would have made changes..

I would have chosen Lim 

Instead of Gun.

I wouldn't have taken Lim for granted.

Now...

All of that is in the past.

Just sweet memories of the past.

Will I ever get to see Lim again?

Will we be given a second chance?

Questions without answers..

All I could do is hope.

And until to dis day,
I still do think of Lim every now and then.
It was the right choice dat Gun and I moved on.
Cuz He'll never be the guy I would wanna marry one day =)








My Bro-s..
An elder bro and younger bro.
Although not blood related to me..
But the commitment dat they gave me is totally irreplaceable..

I'm a pampered lil sis.. =)
I haf a bro who can sense me from far away.
A bro who will see his sis every single day after work.
And pat his baby sis to sleep before leavin.
A bro whom will kiss his baby sis on the fore head.
For all the memories we had for these 9 years,
Is my teachin ropes in life. 




Even my younger bro..
Goes back 6 years ago.

Dis pixs are from my 04' diary.
弟~ u've been my emotional support for so many years.
And u understand me so well.
I'm really blessed to haf u in  my life.
Without questions asked,
U'll be there for me.
We could talk thru eyes..
And every guy whom I was with,
Will always envy the connection we haf.
I'm proud of u..
For all the things dat u sacrificed for me.
It's somethin dat cant be bought wif money.




There's one particular incident dat I will always remember.
I'll always remember the surprise u and Seng 哥哥 gave me on 23rd of December 05.
A surprise dat every sister would be blessed to haf..
Just to be there before Christmas. 
I'm really really superbly blessed to haf u both as my brothers.
No blood ties..
Yet sincere sacrifices from the heart.




Love always

New start

Everyone face failures at times... But even at the bleakest moment, u're saved by the bell. 
Ever felt dat way?
Ever experienced dat?
The doc says it's too dangerous for me either way.
But I'm just havin a lil faith and doin wad is right.
Of cuz I'm scared shytless. 
But it needs to be done.
It's time to face the music,
And stand strong.
I know I'll survive.
*Or at least I know I would for now*
But dat's my decision to keep.
No one can actually tell u how to live ur life.
They can only guide and advise.
But to live life by the rules in the book,
Seems pretty lame at times.
I'm just myself by the end of the day.
I wanna be me and not someone else.


Havin frens and my mom's support.
It's enuf than I could ever bargain for.
And my ex has emerge to make me feel all better. 
*Thanks love*
We may no longer be couples,
But the support he's givin me is superb.
I'm takin a step every single day.
I'll conquer,
And survive.
God will never let  go thru something dat will leave u dead.
*Do u believe dat? I know I do*
I've been put thru alot of trials after trials.
Yet I survive.
Dis will be another trial to get thru.


Now I'm just gonna gear up for my holidays.
I need a break..
Tho we still haven't decide where to go.
Still waitin for the decision.
Koh Samui?
Hehehehh~ I've got superb frens =)
Thanks for bein the greatest support anyone could ever ask for.

XX

Heartless + Cruelity

I get it dat men can be really self centered at times...
But dis time it's sacrificing someone else's future.
Someone else's dream and life.
How could dat man be a person I know?
A stranger dat existed in my life.
A stranger I thought I knew.
A stranger dat claim he loved me..
Why I  hafto go thru dis pain?
The mistake I din do..
WHY AM I THE ONE BEARING ALL DIS?!
Can anyone actually understand how I feel?


The pain is too excruciating. 
Will I kill myself in the process?
Will I really survive the outcome?
Why does everythin gets even worse?
Why do I hafto always be the one who's sacrificed for someone else's behalf?
Everyone's parents will definitely back their own kids up.
But to the point of sacrificing someone else's future?
Isn't dat a lil bit way outta the line?
Has anyone ever gave it a thought?
Wad if all he promised me was empty promises?
And the baby suffer the consequences?
THAT'S BLOOD ON UR HANDS!!!!
Has anyone ever thought dat he cant provide me anythin else but let me suffer for the rest of my life?

 
If u were in my shoes,
Would u even marry a guy whom betrayed u?
A guy who used u as a baby producing machine?
A guy who disrespects u?
A guy who runs away everytime a problem surfaces?
Or drinks the whole day to avoid?
A guy who needs u to tell him wad to do every single time?
HONESTLY...
I'VE SACRIFICED ENUF!
I'VE DONE MY FUCKIN PART!
I AIN'T GONNA SACRIFICE ANYMORE BECAUSE HE NEEDS ME TO!





The hurt u caused me is beyond words could ever comprehend.
Hate me all u want.
Because my reasons are based facts.
My decisions are firm.
I've squeezed my heart out.
Yet all u can say is "sorry".
Do u even think sorry is gonna make any difference?
WHO THE HELL DO U THINK U ARE?
DECIDING MY FUTURE FOR ME?!
Wad haf u ever done for me?
NOTHIN!
U can even barely survive..
Yet u said u're ready.
Honestly,
Even simple necessities in life..
U cant afford.
Wad makes u think u can give dis baby a good life?
And every single time I hafto bear ur bullshyts!
I never asked for anythin.
Yet I sacrificed and sacrificed.
Is dis wad I really deserved?
I really love me like u claimed..
Let me go!
There's no way I'm marryin u just because everythin is done.
Dat's not a reason to sacrifice my future for ur own good.
U can go do wadever u want,
I dun freakin care.
For once I'm doin dis for myself.
Why shud I be the one who suffer the consequences?
Even more when it's someone else's mistake and not mine.
How many times do u want me to die?
Is dis wad u call love?
U can go screw urself over.
I've gave u uncountable chances.
And yet everytime u took things for granted.
Do u really think I owe u anythin?
Or dat u own me?




I'm movin on wif my life.
If I die,
I die.
Dat's my own prob.
I'm not like u..
I dun sacrifice anyone for my own good.
I dun do things at someone else's expense.
Dun even think u'll be given another chance.
U'll never live to dat day.
I've done enuf,
And I haf no regrets.
I've got a better life to lead.
And dat's not the life u decide for me.
U can go screw urself for all I care.
U made me hate u.
And there's no turnin point for dat de.
To u...
Dis is all a fuckin game to own me.
Well congrats to u.
U can go and make someone else preggy for they can most probably listen to u.
Dat dumb girl wont be me.
Go and mistreat some other gal,
And see wad do u get in return.
I've stayed for long enuf.
And I haf proved my point.
U're never gonna change.
U'll only do dat for one two days.
Then it's back to the same old same old.
U haf no rights to disrespect me wad so ever.
I deserved to say no to marryin u.
Cuz u can never treat me the way I thought u could.
I haf the rights to back off now.
At least I never waited till we got married.
Only to get divorce later.
I'm never gonna do somethin dat I dun feel right towards.
Either u respect or u dun.

真的不甘心！！！

I really dun get it!
Why does Dad give Emma all the priority dat was supposed to be mine?
Dad's gonna walk her down the aisle..
But won't walk me down the aisle?
Or even let me invite our relatives to my wedding dinner?
WTF?!?!?!?
I'm really stressed out to the max!
WAD'S FUCKIN WRONG WIF U?!
Haven't u done enuf damage already?
I dun need u to pay a single cent...
But u still wanna make my wedding miserable?
WTF?!
有没有觉得自己太过分了？
有没有想过我的感受？
有没有放我的婚姻在你的眼里？
Emma那么重要吗？
不然让他叫你爸爸咯？
真的很过分！！！！！！
我真的不甘心！
到底谁是你的女儿？
这个伤痕，
用自我真的没办法说出我的苦。
你这一次给我的伤害太深了。
Words really failed to express how I feel inside!
You tore my heart into a gazillion pieces..
There's no way u can ever fix dis!
Wad do u expect?
For me to smile and say "It's okay"?
U want to haf everythin ur way..
Haf u ever considered how would I feel bout it?
It's my fuckin wedding!
I find it so hard to believe dat u'll put EMMA first..
EVERYTHIN IS BOUT EM!
WAD FUCKIN SHYT IS NOT BOUT EM?!
I'M SERIOUSLY GETTING SICK OF ALL THE BULLSHYT U SAY..
CUZ NONE OF IT IS EVEN RELATED TO ME!
你的面子很重要。。。
重要到失身我的一生一世的婚姻。
Wad a reason I hafto deal wif?!
DIS IS THE KINDA FATHER I HAF..
WOW~~~!
U're super superb DAD...

U're lost but never forgotten

小猪仔。。。
我知道你现在很讨厌我。
不要再生气我了啦，
可以吗？
我真的不是故意的。
请你原谅我。。
不要再气我了。
我答应你，
我会乖乖的。
虽然不是和你在一起，
并不代表我不疼你嘛。
不要伤心了。
我是很疼。
但却我们没缘分啊。
我在东，
你在西。
我要结婚了，
你应该替我高兴的，对不对？
真的。。。
不要再生气了。
我会心疼的。
答应你。。。。
没结婚前，
回去找你。
不要再生气了啦。

对不起 对不起 对不起 X100

怎样才肯原谅我呢？

Weddin bands

I still cant decide on my wedding bands...
Hmmm~~ 
Shud I go for the one I like,
Or search summore?
I really cant decide.
Looks like we gotta make a trip down to Kay Elle and see wad they haf there.
I hope to find somethin I love.
Not plainly like...

Dar~ when will u be goin back to Kay Elle?
I'm comin wif u.. 
*winks*

Do u believe in Happy Ever After?

These few days has been really tiring,
Hectic and at the same time heart breakin.
I din expect Dad to react dat way.
I think it's totally absurd and self fish for him to fore go my once in  a life time thingie because wants to take care of his face.
EGO...
At dis time?
It's totally unacceptable for me.
Wad kinda parents do I really haf?
Dad's prepared to walk Em down the aisle while she's only his niece,
Why can't he walk his own daughter?
Really....
Can anyone find me the best explanation?
For the past 27 years,
All I was livin behind everyone's silhouette.
Everyone was more important.
Everyone else is better than me...
Now even for my wedding I hafto give way to them?
To satisfy them? 
Why???
It's my once in a lifetime thing...
Isn't dis suppose to be about me and my Hubby?
So whose priorities is not right- NOW?
Honestly,
I wished my parents could be a lil more rude,
A lil more crazy..
I would haf done things the other way round.
Probably...
U're not invited to ur own daughter's weddin!
Why is it so hard to see dat I'm gonna get married one day?
But dat dun mean dat I dun care for my family...
Wad kinda bullshyt am I takin?
Aarrrrrggghhhhh!!!!

On the other hand,

I know dat he's tryin very hard to make my dream wedding to come true.

Well, it's not too much to ask for rite?

Since it's a simpler version of it?

I've got no doubts bout the decision I've made.

Cuz I'm happy...

Of cuz I know not everyday would be pink and candy..

There'll be moments too.

But at least by the end of the day,

I'll be waking up next to someone who truly loves me for who I am.

And to think of it,

It all happened at quite a right timing.

The other day at the bridal shop,

Everything fit into the missing puzzles.

Is there anyone else who would love me dat way?

Yes, we had our arguments and fights.

We had our moments..

But it all work out in the end.

"The person whom u could be patient wif not matter wad he does,

Is the one who u can marry"

And he was it...

Some stuffs are too hard to explain..

End of the day,

I want the wedding the way we planned it.

He has strive hard to make sure I get the one I wanted.

Dat's all I wanna know... =)

Weird

These few days was quite weird.
I kept havin dreams bout my ex-s,
Flings.
Play backs?
But all delivered the same message.
Hmmm~
I wonder wad's up.

-I'm back-

First it was Jacob.
Dreamt dat he came back. He and his gang was out drinkin and I happened to be there too.
First it was like stare stare, awkward moments because of the blog.
He ain't happy because of it.. *Yea yea.. But I wrote it*
But when he heard bout the news, He just said "Are u gonna be happy?" 
That message got me thinkin until the dream ended.

-Affection seekers-

Dreamt dat Yuen Ping and Kei both flew back to attend my party. Yuen Ping came wif 2 more of his frens. Frens from work, while Kei came alone. *Which was weird. Kei never really go anywhere without Suey Lin* Sittin around chattin and drinkin.. After I introduced both of the ex-s, I know why Kei was alone. He wants back in the game. Badly.. I remembered Yuen Ping said something like "He's not worth it. He comes crawling back when everythin sucked for him." *But in reality, Yuen Ping came crawling back when he knew dat he made the wrong move* He kinda dissed Kei in front of everyone.. "Let's go for a walk wif my frens." 4 of us went for a walk.. Yuen Ping told me dat he's workin in UK now.. Shipping. *Reality he's in Aussie.Weird* Talk talk.. All I remembered his couple frens are cute couples.. And the message came up "Are u gonna be happy?"




Freakin same message in 2 dreams?
Wad's goin on?
Am I not happy??
It dun feel dat way...
I'm just a lil teeny bitsy worried dat's all.
It's suppose to be dat way isn't it?
WEIRD! Just plain weird!
 

Of cuz I'm scared

Well...
Of cuz I'm freaked out.
Who in the right won't be?
I'm makin a huge decision.
A big leap.


But wad is done is done de.
I've lived wif so many regrets.
Things dat I din do and shud haf..
I've decided to go live without regrets.
I just wanna make the best decision I could.
Cuz when I make dis decision,
There's no turnin back.
No magical eraser to delete the mistakes.
Accept it or decline.
Of cuz I wished I had more options to consider.
But it's only a "yes" or a "no" now..


Of cuz I'm no longer in my teens.
It's the right timing to make such decisions.
Time to look forward and make life changing decisions.
No more partayin so hard,
More relaxations.
No more stressin myself out,
More enjoyin the moments.
Of cuz I do know there'll be hard times as well.
But I know I can get thru it like I always did.
Thank God for the frens who stayed on and on wif me on the never endin roller coaster ride.
Love u guys to bits.
Well,
Dis time around..
I'm hopin for more ferris wheel rides.
Dun think my heart can take much of the roller coaster rides de. =p




Up till now,
I haven't made any decisions yet.
I shud be worryin more... =(
But I'm not.
Too bad.
I know everythin is carefully planned out accordin to His timing.
If my time comes thru His timing.
I'll gladly say "yes"
I dun see why not.
I know He won't me thru bad times I can take.
I'm stayin positive in dis.
Stayin in my happie bubble.
Who am I to say "No" to His will?
Rock wif the flow. =)
Sounds crazy..
But I'm not the only one who believes dat it's dat way.
I'm sure He chose the best for me.




*Haf a lil faith*